How to Be An Adult

Happy new year, readers. I've been fully-occupied in recent months by creative projects, and hope for more of the same in 2018. I haven't forgotten this site (if anything, movements such as #metoo give renewed hope for reforms) but these pages will continue to be quiet as I work on other interests.

If you are in need of support or inspiration, please join the Extoots Facebook group. One of the current topics is how to relate to Laestadian friends and relatives after leaving the faith.

This "declaration" by therapist David Richo (How to Be an Adult in Relationships, The Five Things We Cannot Change, et al) may help.

He advises preparing for potentially difficult conversations by first having a conversation with yourself, confirming the following:

• I accept full responsibility for the shape my life has taken.
• I need never fear my own truth, thoughts, or sexuality.
• I let people go away or stay and I am still okay.
• I accept that I may never feel I am receiving – or have received – all the attention I seek.
• I acknowledge that reality is not obligated to me; it remains unaffected by my wishes or rights.
• One by one, I drop every expectation of people and things.
• I reconcile myself to the limits on others’ giving to me and on my giving to them.
• Until I see another’s behavior with compassion, I have not understood it.
• I let go of blame, regret, vengeance, and the infantile desire to punish those who hurt or reject me.
• I am still safe when I cease following the rules my parents (or others) set for me.
• I cherish my own integrity and do not use it as a yardstick for anyone else’s behavior.
• I am free to have and entertain any thought. I do not have the right to do whatever I want. I respect the limits of freedom and still act freely.
• No one can or needs to bail me out. I am not entitled to be taken care of by anyone or anything.
• I give without demanding appreciation though I may always ask for it.
• I reject whining and complaining as useless distractions from direct action on or withdrawal from unacceptable situations.
• I let go of control without losing control.
• If people knew me as I really am, they would love me for being human like them.
• I drop poses and let my every word and deed reveal what I am really like.
• I live by personal standards and at the same time – in self-forgiveness – I make allowances for my occasional lapses.
• I grant myself a margin of error in my relationships. I release myself from the pain of having to be right or competent all the time.
• I accept that it is normal to feel that I do not always measure up.
• I am ultimately adequate to any challenge that comes to me.
• My self-acceptance is not complacency since in itself it represents an enormous change.
• I am happy to do what I love and love what is.
• Wholehearted engagement with my circumstances releases my irrepressible liveliness.
• I love unconditionally and set sane conditions on my self-giving.